Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
