whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
