I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
