we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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