I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
