The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
