Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
