You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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