Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
