wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
i now understand why vodka
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
