I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
