fuck your aforementioned shoe
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
