Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
