four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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