Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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