Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
