recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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