I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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