Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Found your dick twin last night
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
