I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
