i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
im six kinds of drunk right now
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
