Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I could fuck to npr.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
