We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
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