can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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