remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
