i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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