i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
