Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
