Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
