five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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