Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
