I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
