I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
