Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
