my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
