I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
