her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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