It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
