Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
