I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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