Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
