I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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