i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
