Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
