I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Randomize
