So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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