no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
