If that was your dad, he is hot
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
