Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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