So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
