i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
